Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
My new inspiration
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greaterand lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greaterand lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
An email I wrote to the ex after he humiliated me and THEN sends an email saying he "loves" me...
What, no whores tonight? Guess you've been busy all week with them and being balls deep in C (his ex wife) and J (her roommate) when they were in town, since you haven't reached me until now. Whatever though. I just don't care anymore. Don't have a love bone or a care bone in my body anymore. You know, since I'm so sick, insane, crazy and everyone in Cali thinks I'm a joke and all.
I must be just as worthless as you. But it doesn't matter. I will prevail and be a better, stronger person b/c of you (and that isn't a compliment). You, and you alone, did this to me. So continue making fun of me and making a fucking mockery out of me. That's real fucking cool, but I don't expect anything less from you, you self consumed bastard.
I thought I loved you and that you loved me, but you don't treat people you love like shit (and that goes for me and you).
I hope C was better in bed this go 'round. My guy has been pretty good, well for now. I will get him where he needs to be, much like all the girls you've had to train since being out there.
Don't respond to this as I will delete it and not read it and then I will block you from email. You know, since I'm crazy, etc and you humiliated me in front of a lot of people. But that's what an insecure person, like yourself, does. Make a mockery out of everyone and anyone for a fucking laugh.
Adam, the joke is on you. You have lost me forever. Don't ever expect to see me or touch me again. I'm better off without you. I'm saying all of this on a clear head. No alcohol and no pills. I don't need anything anymore. I have a great life and fantastic scenery. Those are my drugs and what gets me off.
I'm going to find a man to treat me good and who doesn't yell and throw shit in my face all the time and one who doesn't try to control me and tell me what I can and can't do.
I'm not going to wish you luck or to take care b/c you do not deserve it and I probably don't either, but I'd never make a mockery out of you if you were severely depressed and sick, but you did me and that's unforgivable.
Late
I must be just as worthless as you. But it doesn't matter. I will prevail and be a better, stronger person b/c of you (and that isn't a compliment). You, and you alone, did this to me. So continue making fun of me and making a fucking mockery out of me. That's real fucking cool, but I don't expect anything less from you, you self consumed bastard.
I thought I loved you and that you loved me, but you don't treat people you love like shit (and that goes for me and you).
I hope C was better in bed this go 'round. My guy has been pretty good, well for now. I will get him where he needs to be, much like all the girls you've had to train since being out there.
Don't respond to this as I will delete it and not read it and then I will block you from email. You know, since I'm crazy, etc and you humiliated me in front of a lot of people. But that's what an insecure person, like yourself, does. Make a mockery out of everyone and anyone for a fucking laugh.
Adam, the joke is on you. You have lost me forever. Don't ever expect to see me or touch me again. I'm better off without you. I'm saying all of this on a clear head. No alcohol and no pills. I don't need anything anymore. I have a great life and fantastic scenery. Those are my drugs and what gets me off.
I'm going to find a man to treat me good and who doesn't yell and throw shit in my face all the time and one who doesn't try to control me and tell me what I can and can't do.
I'm not going to wish you luck or to take care b/c you do not deserve it and I probably don't either, but I'd never make a mockery out of you if you were severely depressed and sick, but you did me and that's unforgivable.
Late
-I felt so much better getting that shit off my shoulders. He really is a piece of shit. This all stemmed from the other night when I said some mean things to him, after he got mad at me for not answering his calls. He then proceeded to show everyone in a bar how mean I was and tell everyone I was insane, sick, mean, and I needed help. Well, that's what he said he did, which I'm sure he did. He made a mockery out of me for shits and giggles with 4 people I knew and loved. I know they think I'm an effing head case now and that humiliates me. I know it shouldn't, but it does. They all know how he is, but he continues to manipulate them and charm them, so they are blinded like I was. (I so feel like Kelly Taylor when she busts out of the New Revolution! EJ, that one is for you!)
What made me go off on him was he sent me an email last night saying, "punkie (my pet name), I love you". The sorry bastard doesn't know what love is b/c if he did, he wouldn't be such a worthless prick.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
one of those days/weeks
for the last few days, life has seemed to be super for me. i now have a job, after being here for 6 weeks without one. i have a mini crush on the owner's son, but he's 25, and yeah, he's a tool. not sure why i'm attracted to him at all, but whatev's. not the point of this post...
i am in therapy once a week for shit that's happened to me and for the bed i made for myself to lie in for mistakes i've made.
i met a great guy (B, and i had the biggest crush on him in high school, but he went to a rival high school, so i didn't know him that well, i just knew how his legs looked on the soccer field) on january 26, 2002. wonderful man and wonderful family. i met him through my bff from college. she and i went to high school together, but weren't friends until after the fact. she was engaged to one of B's friends. B and i were both in the wedding, so my friend wanted to introduce us. i knew the second i saw him, i was going to marry him. his crystal blue eyes, his curly brown hair, the way he carried himself (confident, but vulnerable), his aura.
we dated for 3 years and 9 months before we were engaged. we got engaged october 28, 2005. we were in st. simons island, ga, where his parents had a second home. it was everything i could have wanted. 2 carat emerald cut, flawless diamond, with 2 baguettes on either side. beautiful.
the wedding was planned for april 22, 2006 at the king & prince resort in ssi. it was going to be the best wedding the island had ever seen. everything was paid for and planned by mlk, jr weekend. the day we were going down to talk to the preacher, my dad had a massive stroke. something told me that day i didn't need to marry him. sure, we were picture perfect on the outside, but the inside, we weren't.
in 2003, we got pregnant. i didn't have a choice in the matter and he said to terminate. at the time, it was the best route for the 2 of us. i had just started a job, and his business was flourishing. things went down hill from there. we would have sex once a month or so. i was scared it would happen again, even though i was on birth control. he never was intimate, he was just who he was, B.
he was more of a roommate than he was a boyfriend, fiance, and husband. he relied on his family more than anyone i've ever known. one of my therapists said he and his family were emotionally incestuous. it couldn't have been a better term for them. crazy close. i'm close to my family, but nowhere near like he and his family are.
we tried to work on us, and i thought by us getting married, it would fix us. it didn't.
august 26, 2006 we were married in a second wedding i had to plan alone since my mother was staying with my dad in the nursing home. it was a beautiful wedding. i was a beautiful bride. we just weren't a beautiful couple. he thought we were, but he never stopped to ask how i was, what i needed, and he never told me he loved me.
on october 30, 2007, i had an affair, which i'm not proud of, but i did. i told 3 people. one of those people told B and he is now dating her. does it bother me? hell yes it does. i just hope she makes him happy, which i don't see how she could, but whatever.
here recently, i've been thinking about him nonstop. i dream about him. i hear songs that remind me of him. i see his truck all over town. i get teary just thinking about him. i've tried to contact him, but to no avail. why would he want to talk to me? i guess i just think one day he will come around, but knowing him and his family, i will never speak to him again.
i'm not a bad person, i did wrong, and he didn't want to fix things, i wanted to, to an extent. i just needed more, like love, sex, and time with my family, which he didn't want any part of.
so, this week is dedicated to B. i love you B Bop and always will, i just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what i did to you.
that's why it's one of those days/weeks.
good night cruel world!
muah!
i am in therapy once a week for shit that's happened to me and for the bed i made for myself to lie in for mistakes i've made.
i met a great guy (B, and i had the biggest crush on him in high school, but he went to a rival high school, so i didn't know him that well, i just knew how his legs looked on the soccer field) on january 26, 2002. wonderful man and wonderful family. i met him through my bff from college. she and i went to high school together, but weren't friends until after the fact. she was engaged to one of B's friends. B and i were both in the wedding, so my friend wanted to introduce us. i knew the second i saw him, i was going to marry him. his crystal blue eyes, his curly brown hair, the way he carried himself (confident, but vulnerable), his aura.
we dated for 3 years and 9 months before we were engaged. we got engaged october 28, 2005. we were in st. simons island, ga, where his parents had a second home. it was everything i could have wanted. 2 carat emerald cut, flawless diamond, with 2 baguettes on either side. beautiful.
the wedding was planned for april 22, 2006 at the king & prince resort in ssi. it was going to be the best wedding the island had ever seen. everything was paid for and planned by mlk, jr weekend. the day we were going down to talk to the preacher, my dad had a massive stroke. something told me that day i didn't need to marry him. sure, we were picture perfect on the outside, but the inside, we weren't.
in 2003, we got pregnant. i didn't have a choice in the matter and he said to terminate. at the time, it was the best route for the 2 of us. i had just started a job, and his business was flourishing. things went down hill from there. we would have sex once a month or so. i was scared it would happen again, even though i was on birth control. he never was intimate, he was just who he was, B.
he was more of a roommate than he was a boyfriend, fiance, and husband. he relied on his family more than anyone i've ever known. one of my therapists said he and his family were emotionally incestuous. it couldn't have been a better term for them. crazy close. i'm close to my family, but nowhere near like he and his family are.
we tried to work on us, and i thought by us getting married, it would fix us. it didn't.
august 26, 2006 we were married in a second wedding i had to plan alone since my mother was staying with my dad in the nursing home. it was a beautiful wedding. i was a beautiful bride. we just weren't a beautiful couple. he thought we were, but he never stopped to ask how i was, what i needed, and he never told me he loved me.
on october 30, 2007, i had an affair, which i'm not proud of, but i did. i told 3 people. one of those people told B and he is now dating her. does it bother me? hell yes it does. i just hope she makes him happy, which i don't see how she could, but whatever.
here recently, i've been thinking about him nonstop. i dream about him. i hear songs that remind me of him. i see his truck all over town. i get teary just thinking about him. i've tried to contact him, but to no avail. why would he want to talk to me? i guess i just think one day he will come around, but knowing him and his family, i will never speak to him again.
i'm not a bad person, i did wrong, and he didn't want to fix things, i wanted to, to an extent. i just needed more, like love, sex, and time with my family, which he didn't want any part of.
so, this week is dedicated to B. i love you B Bop and always will, i just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what i did to you.
that's why it's one of those days/weeks.
good night cruel world!
muah!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I'm so sorry that I haven't posted much this week, getting back into
the swing of things with working, is taking its toll. I will be better
this week with my posting!
the swing of things with working, is taking its toll. I will be better
this week with my posting!
Up this week, divorce, bad break ups, therapy, and E. Oh, and there is
the whole 21 year old I have to address...
Good night cruel world!
Muah!
--
Sent from my mobile device
Thursday, July 9, 2009
ugh
I hate it when someone says 2 hours ago they were coming over, and
then don't show. Whatevs. I'm too old for the fucking mind games. I'm
talking about E, which I will address in another post.
Talked to Ahole tonight. Its always ALL about him and how HE'S doing
terrible, but what about me? He put me in this predicament. He's is
the one that abused me for a year and a half, not the other way
around. He did this to me, yet wants to glorify himself for being a
better person. Pretty is as pretty does mother fucker.
A buffet of cocaine isn't love, nor is cheating on me for the ENTIRE
fucking time we were together, with your whore in San Fran, you know,
the one you knocked up while you were married?
Yes, so I'm fucked mentally b/c of him and probably will never trust
another man as long as I live. Ahole will get what's coming to him, I
just wish I was there to see it unfold.
He had the audacity to tell me to stop bothering him, but he is the
one who called 23 times last night alone, trying to profess his love
to me, after he said he needed to go out and "network", which in his
biz, is code for "hook up".
My therapist says he's my drug, which he is, but I'm begining to
realize, he isn't my drug of choice. Fuck you Ahole, you WILL get
what's coming to you and I hope and pray to God and the universe it
hurts like hell.
Muah cruel world, I will see you tomorrow!!!
then don't show. Whatevs. I'm too old for the fucking mind games. I'm
talking about E, which I will address in another post.
Talked to Ahole tonight. Its always ALL about him and how HE'S doing
terrible, but what about me? He put me in this predicament. He's is
the one that abused me for a year and a half, not the other way
around. He did this to me, yet wants to glorify himself for being a
better person. Pretty is as pretty does mother fucker.
A buffet of cocaine isn't love, nor is cheating on me for the ENTIRE
fucking time we were together, with your whore in San Fran, you know,
the one you knocked up while you were married?
Yes, so I'm fucked mentally b/c of him and probably will never trust
another man as long as I live. Ahole will get what's coming to him, I
just wish I was there to see it unfold.
He had the audacity to tell me to stop bothering him, but he is the
one who called 23 times last night alone, trying to profess his love
to me, after he said he needed to go out and "network", which in his
biz, is code for "hook up".
My therapist says he's my drug, which he is, but I'm begining to
realize, he isn't my drug of choice. Fuck you Ahole, you WILL get
what's coming to you and I hope and pray to God and the universe it
hurts like hell.
Muah cruel world, I will see you tomorrow!!!
hi there!!!
so, first post on the new blog! how exciting. i've had blogs before, but somehow, they have been compromised by the wrong people. that's the story of my life though, but i just get through it with a little help from my friends...
about me, born and raised in the peach state, but now i live in jackson hole, wy. it took a lot of courage and a lot of shitty times to get me out here, but i'm here now and so very thankful i am.
i need to play around with my background template so that it will reflect my personal style. i also have to set up my password so that i can blog from my crackberry, BEST invention ever...
so, missybeachyb and preppyparalegal, here i start!!!
muah!
about me, born and raised in the peach state, but now i live in jackson hole, wy. it took a lot of courage and a lot of shitty times to get me out here, but i'm here now and so very thankful i am.
i need to play around with my background template so that it will reflect my personal style. i also have to set up my password so that i can blog from my crackberry, BEST invention ever...
so, missybeachyb and preppyparalegal, here i start!!!
muah!
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