one of those days/weeks

for the last few days, life has seemed to be super for me. i now have a job, after being here for 6 weeks without one. i have a mini crush on the owner's son, but he's 25, and yeah, he's a tool. not sure why i'm attracted to him at all, but whatev's. not the point of this post...

i am in therapy once a week for shit that's happened to me and for the bed i made for myself to lie in for mistakes i've made.

i met a great guy (B, and i had the biggest crush on him in high school, but he went to a rival high school, so i didn't know him that well, i just knew how his legs looked on the soccer field) on january 26, 2002. wonderful man and wonderful family. i met him through my bff from college. she and i went to high school together, but weren't friends until after the fact. she was engaged to one of B's friends. B and i were both in the wedding, so my friend wanted to introduce us. i knew the second i saw him, i was going to marry him. his crystal blue eyes, his curly brown hair, the way he carried himself (confident, but vulnerable), his aura.

we dated for 3 years and 9 months before we were engaged. we got engaged october 28, 2005. we were in st. simons island, ga, where his parents had a second home. it was everything i could have wanted. 2 carat emerald cut, flawless diamond, with 2 baguettes on either side. beautiful.

the wedding was planned for april 22, 2006 at the king & prince resort in ssi. it was going to be the best wedding the island had ever seen. everything was paid for and planned by mlk, jr weekend. the day we were going down to talk to the preacher, my dad had a massive stroke. something told me that day i didn't need to marry him. sure, we were picture perfect on the outside, but the inside, we weren't.

in 2003, we got pregnant. i didn't have a choice in the matter and he said to terminate. at the time, it was the best route for the 2 of us. i had just started a job, and his business was flourishing. things went down hill from there. we would have sex once a month or so. i was scared it would happen again, even though i was on birth control. he never was intimate, he was just who he was, B.

he was more of a roommate than he was a boyfriend, fiance, and husband. he relied on his family more than anyone i've ever known. one of my therapists said he and his family were emotionally incestuous. it couldn't have been a better term for them. crazy close. i'm close to my family, but nowhere near like he and his family are.

we tried to work on us, and i thought by us getting married, it would fix us. it didn't.

august 26, 2006 we were married in a second wedding i had to plan alone since my mother was staying with my dad in the nursing home. it was a beautiful wedding. i was a beautiful bride. we just weren't a beautiful couple. he thought we were, but he never stopped to ask how i was, what i needed, and he never told me he loved me.

on october 30, 2007, i had an affair, which i'm not proud of, but i did. i told 3 people. one of those people told B and he is now dating her. does it bother me? hell yes it does. i just hope she makes him happy, which i don't see how she could, but whatever.

here recently, i've been thinking about him nonstop. i dream about him. i hear songs that remind me of him. i see his truck all over town. i get teary just thinking about him. i've tried to contact him, but to no avail. why would he want to talk to me? i guess i just think one day he will come around, but knowing him and his family, i will never speak to him again.

i'm not a bad person, i did wrong, and he didn't want to fix things, i wanted to, to an extent. i just needed more, like love, sex, and time with my family, which he didn't want any part of.

so, this week is dedicated to B. i love you B Bop and always will, i just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what i did to you.

that's why it's one of those days/weeks.

good night cruel world!

muah!